Tag Archives: school

…To Getting Knocked Up in College

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Homecoming is just around the corner. With that lovely thought I couldn’t help but hearken back to my glorious college days and my fellow, delightful university-mates.  So here’s the thing, 1.) Don’t get knocked up in college. 2.) Don’t put your baby in a dumpster. I love the college I went to but it is known for two things: football and babies in dumpsters. Okay, three things maybe – USC’s film school isn’t too shabby. Sure, maybe I don’t have vast expertise in baby dumping but that is only due to the fact that I have never thrown a baby in a dumpster. Studies have shown that the reason I have never thrown a baby in a dumpster or even come close to having the opportunity to do so is related to the fact that my daddy issues are negligible; also because I never felt the need to skank it up with an endless parade of Asshat McDouchebags who would have been prime subjects for 16 and Pregnant had the show only premiered a few years earlier (timing is everything, right?).
Babies are expensive. Pregnancies are expensive, and cause stretch marks. Condoms however, are priceless. Just kidding, I mean they are in the proverbial sense but they actually cost around $1 each. A nominal amount to be sure – and that is the key takeaway here, kids. Shit, in college I was stealing my lunch off the craft service table of whatever production was trying to make USC look like the Ivy League that week. There was no way I, or anyone like me could have afforded to feed a child as well.
USC’s dumpster baby guru – Holly Ashcroft – she clearly had never heard of the “No Questions Asked” law or of student health insurance because she got pregnant and tossed her baby in a dumpster not once, but twice. Yep, she dumpster dumped twice. So if you find yourself in a similar situation as Ms. Ashcroft and can’t afford said baby please read the above paragraph once more, and then also remind yourself that unlike Unicorns, both “No Questions Asked” and student health insurance do exist in addition to fine establishments like Planned Parenthood. If nothing else, Angelina Jolie will probably take your baby.
I am fairly certain it is possible to do something with your pregnancy or newborn well before the point of baby dumpster diving behind your local college eatery (insert uncomfortable menu joke here). It is a lot easier on the wallet and certainly a lot easier on the conscience. Once is bad enough, but two times? Come on. That’s just pure laziness. That is like peeing on the couch because they just launched into the first musical number on Glee and the bathroom is ‘too far’. Hitting the pause button on your DVR and standing up would clearly just be too much.
Let me repeat again, never is it alright for you to put your baby in a dumpster; not even the cabbage patch variety you had from when you were a kid – those will fetch a lot on eBay. If you can’t even afford the condom, you probably can’t afford the kid….or the jail time, really. And if you really can’t afford it and Angelina has no vacancy, there is always my tried and true method of saving money on child rearing: keep it in your pants.

…To Choosing a College Degree

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The only way to make money as a teacher

So clearly you’ve followed the Poor Girl’s advice, applied and gotten aid to, and are now attending college. Great. Fantastic. Now you have to choose a major. Good luck with that. Coming to a decision which seemingly concludes the very thing you would like to do with the rest of your life is not only daunting, it’s basically impossible. Realistically your major is merely a suggestion, because whatever you want to do in life, you’re going to ultimately pursue.. Sure you can take the safe path and try out each field, take internships until you find something of interest. You could even maybe major in the classes that you find most interesting, or you can take the tried and true method I myself followed that has fared me well – wait until the very last day to declare and choose a major based upon what few classes are still open. Really it saved me a lot of extra work and due diligence up front. And let’s face it, there’s a chance you don’t even know what  due diligence is; so frankly, the less of it you have to do, probably the better.

We all know money begets money, so choosing a finance major – whatever your ultimate career – is likely to net you more money than choosing a psychology degree. But choosing a child or family studies degree will net you less money than….well frankly every other degree. Pssh, children. They are not our future. Am I saying major in finance even if you want to be a teacher, just because by virtue of having that degree you’re likely to be paid more? I mean…what if you got a finance degree, invented a new teaching method which taught children how to earn more money, and became wildly successful at that. Well now that would be the loophole now wouldn’t it?

Most of all, what I’m saying is that I take issue with the list noted above and wonder just how accurate it truly is? Noted as the 7th most poverty making major, was a paralegal/law degree. You’re telling me, Mr. List, that people with law degrees, over the course of their lives are some of the poorest educated individuals out there? I think not. If a student chose an undergraduate degree in law, chances are they followed up with a JD degree as well and became some sort of hoity-toity lawyer type making gobs of money practicing soul-less litigation. And if they did not, well then, they’re just that aimless sort that has no real direction or ambition in life and they probably deserve their place at #7 on the most poverty-stricken-yet educated list.