How offensive is too offensive when you’re a Poor Girl? Costumes are expensive and I had a rather important Cowboys and Indians party to attend (sure just the theme is offensive alone but it’s West Hollywood, it’s fine). With a whole $17 in my bank account cowboys and Indians was going to happen on the cheap. So with a childhood Chicago Blackhawks jersey and a left over curtain tie I set out. It was either that, or a Bindi. I was PocaSacaHull, at least that was what People Magazine was calling me. I mean if you at least know it is offensive and wear it as such, it’s totally fine, right? Where would hipsters be without irony? Well they’d really just be homeless people. And, I ask you, where would Republicans be without irony? Just elitist, ignorant, hate-mongers — oh wait, no that’s just true. Anyway, you get my point; wear what you gotta wear to make it happen. Just wear it like you mean it, or in this case like you mean it soo much that you don’t mean it.
Yom Kippur, it’s really the best holiday – a Poor Girl’s dream. I mean let’s face it, you don’t have money for food on any old regular day, and Yom Kippur is a day where everyone fasts. None of your friends will think you odd for shuning food today. So are you low on cash, high on god? I hear ya. If you’re trying to make it to shul for Yom Kippur tomorrow so, ya know, you don’t get smote or anything check out this list of freebies in the LA area:
No, calm down I didn’t pillage some dead woman’s closet. Little old Baube’s still kickin’ and duh, I asked my 94 year old grandma if I could take her boots. At 94, Baube’s seen a lot of decades which kind of works out nicely for me given all of history’s fashion trends. More than a few items from her closet will be featured here. These knee-high boots have done some serious walkin’ from 1960 to my closet here and now. Still perfectly intact, and no worse for wear, I was just asked the other day where I bought them. Well I could tell you, lady, but I’m pretty sure they’re out of stock.
Being both poor and fashionable are hard to reconcile most of the time. I know, sometimes cheap vintage can be creepy, especially if you’re wearing someone else’s shoes; but knowing exactly whose feet those were makes walking a mile in them that much less gross. Yay.
A/C is crazy-expensive, so even if you are fortunate enough to live in a building with a unit, you likely can’t afford to turn it on. So how do you stop from schvitzing long enough so that people don’t confuse you for that ‘special’ 1 out of a 100,000 born with extra sweat glands?
Top 4 Ways to Beat the Summer Heat:
4. Place your shoes in the freezer before heading out for the day. Don’t let the sizzling asphalt melt your popsicles. Oooooh oh oooooh.
3. Track down the cast of NY’s Real Housewives and stand in front of their bitchtastic icy stares for a quick cool down.
2. Go for a walk. Take a leisurely stroll in the grocery store. The dairy section is my personal favorite.
1. Ice bath. Time to drain that ol’ cast iron tub of gin and fill it up with ice (cost partially subsidized by your roommate of course)
If you think that temping is some glamorous scene straight out of Mad Men, hammering away on a vintage Smith Corona in your perfectly tailored suit, think again. Temping is the rough reminder that your education has gotten you either one or more of the following: A.) not enough cred to find a permanent job B.) laid off within months of being hired as an assistant at Broke & Co. on Wall Street or C.) no other suitable alternative to starvation. But you don’t want to be 24, living at home and broke. Or worse… interning again.
Through the course of temping at various companies over the last couple of months, I have begun to learn that everybody hates a temp. You’re thrust into an office where you don’t know what the fuck is going on or who anybody is. And after that - it’s survival of the fittest. Does the boss like his coffee with milk? Should I bring the guest into the room or leave them at reception? Can I pull him out of a meeting without generating a roomful of dirty looks? It’s all a guessing game because, no matter what the instruction packet says, the boss DOES mind being bothered with banal questions and he is not “a nice guy”. After all, he has an assistant so he doesn’t have to deal with this bull. And, more likely than not, he was an assistant at some point, probably not so long ago. He has earned his cred and doesn’t want to sweat the small stuff. He doesn’t even want it in earshot. So you’re left with that glaring cornucopia of possibilities. But instead of getting nervous or freaking out, just breathe and remember - no matter what mistakes you make, the assistant is going to be the one who has to fix them on Monday. So fuck it.
Despite the torturous potential of being scorned, yelled at, and humiliated by your prospective temporary employer, here are ways to make a temp job bearable and worth your while.
Ways to milk your temp job:
LIAR LIAR J-CREW SUIT ON FIRE: I like to think that a resume is really just an outline of what you have actually done. Always base it on who you want to be rather than who you are. For example, inflate your work experience, rather than be honest about the measly little pittance of admin work you’ve really done. Let’s face it, you were never Assistant to the Vice President when you were still in college. You were intern to the Vice President’s assistant. But say it anyways! Who has time to do reference checks these days? Plus you’re probably up against people with much more experience than you. So yes kids, I’m telling you to LIE.
TEMP LOOSE WOMAN (NOT “SLUT”): Look hot. If you can wear it to the club, you can wear it to the temp job (under a jacket, of course). Glam it up with some bright red Mac lipstick and boobage, I guarantee Mr. Married SVP will be staring down your chest within moments. It’s like a foreign fling. You’ll only be in Australia for a week, so why not have sex with a native? Well, don’t actually sleep with him, or you might have some cloudy skies up ahead if his wife the agency ever found out. Plus, then you’ll be a temp slut. But a little bit of harmless flirtation might give you a little shove towards a more permanent position with the company. Or, at least he’ll be condescendingly sweet when you fuck up, rather than go batshit.
The new iPhone 4 just came out and in a society where electronics and early adopting is everything, people will do almost anything just be one of the first with a little apple in their hands. Why not? Your fancy iPhone apps can help you skype, scan your boarding pass, make vuvuzula noises, and there’s even a toilet paper app that will help you wipe your own ass (I would assume).
In our terribly consumerist world where parents sell their children for drug money and kids shoot their friends for the newest Jordans, is it such a stretch to think that even the poorest of the poor would trade in their last bit of change for an iPhone rather than groceries? I think not. Sadly. Ever seen someone in line at the grocery store using their EBT card (aka food stamps) and then whip out their iPhone for a quick text message reply? The irony is so thick, Alanis Morisette is composing a new song about it right now. And now, new on an iPhone 4G near you, a virtual EBT barcode that scans right from the screen of your phone to the checker’s wand. Annoying card no longer needed. Don’t let the inconvenience of poverty slow down your busy daily schedule (or your need for a gizmo who’s price tag could feed your children for a month).
No, there’s not really an app for that. But it can’t be far behind. 5G anyone?
The smart-est set, well they always seem to have a drink in their hand, don’t they. Rule of thumb – Carry a flask, Poor Girls. Never spend a dime on drinks while you’re out. Stash your moonshine in your garter belt or bra. Frankly, I opt for the former since my chest is less like Christina Hendrick’s and more like a 3rd grader’s. My friend Shawna, who recently got laid off and hasn’t been able to find steady work, is never spotted without her shiny little friend. That damn flask is like Visa, it’s everywhere she wants to be.
Ask the barkeep for a cup of soda. Tonic. Whatever you fancy. Covertly splash in your contraband…and BOOM! Insta-cocktail.
If we do the math – and it’s never been my strong suit – but if we do it, with even modest estimates we find you could save approximately $624 over the course of a year (that could be a lot of trips to your favorite cheap-o vintage shop on Bedford, or you know, a lot of extra hot water to shower with in the mornings). And that’s estimating 2 drinks a week at $6 a pop; but please you all know you drink more than that if even just to temper the sting of your cold, poor despair. That is before you stumbled upon this humble blog, of course. Bottoms up!
This ain’t your mom’s coke-fueled, sex-binge-in-the-hollywood-hills-party. Did your mom have those? Anyway… aside from the fact I can’t afford that type of soirée, I’m mainly not a fan. But there’s nothing better or more simple than throwing a BYO party. It costs you nothing but the 5 minutes it takes to fill out an Facebook invite. Sure
your guests like coming to a party where they’re already guaranteed to be supplied with alchi and food, but there’s a trick to getting around this. Spice up the party. Pick a theme, go all out, the kitschier the better. Memorial Day? Come as your favorite war. Hawaiian shirts and trays of sushi. Guests can ingest and intern the little bits of sushi deliciousness in their stomachs (too soon?). The more interest around the party, the more friends won’t mind bringing a little something to the festivities.
I used to live in an apartment where we threw holiday-themed parties either way early or extremely late. Quatro de Abril anyone? Sure it’s no Cinco de Mayo but our pinata and illegal immigrant search and seizure station sure made it seem like Mexico – or at least Arizona. A few clever costume ideas, a bit of hand-crafted decorations, a BYO invite, and BAM! Presto party.
With more spending power than ever in the hands of the pre-adolescent, tweens are fast becoming omnipresent…like god. Today there are a whole host of tweens who were clearly more successful than I at Tweendom. Sure, at 5, I had the opportunity to star alongside everyone’s favorite mustache, Tom Selleck, in 3 Men and a Little Lady, but I turned that down for some reason. I loved me some Magnum P.I. so my decision on this one still confounds me even to this day (note to self: don’t leave huge decisions up to my future 5 year old child). And sure, in 7th grade, I submitted a television show idea to my local ABC affiliate (they took my meeting), and received all sorts of gold stars at school for being all around ‘swell’; but somehow my tween years – those prime years to really make a go of it, make a name for yourself and cement your place in the annals of history before becoming old and useless – seemed to come up a bit short. At least when compared to others. Did I peak at 13? Probably. It’s all downhill after your bat mitzvah, kids. Shame too, because if I’d hit it big as a tween I probably wouldn’t have had to way the pros and cons of eating a 3 year old can of peas during my college days. Without further ado, here is a list of tweens who, in middle school, are already more successful than you or I. I weep as I write.
5. Amiya Alexander , Entrepeneur 11- Her mobile dance studio in Detroit has already amassed $10,000 which she is investing towards her medical school education. At 11 I’m pretty sure I still had my heart set on being the first woman to play baseball in the Major Leagues, just sayin….
*Not a ‘tween’, but exceptions made for babies
4. Ella the 2 year-old, Singing Sensation 2 – A YouTube smash. You probably only sing in the shower. She’ll be filling in for Simon starting this fall. FOX Tuesdays at 8pm, check it out.
3. Miley Cyrus, Goddess Supreme, 16 - I mean I think it’s really all been covered. With her $40 million fortune, the new century Mary-Kate and Ashley, has pretty much conquered it all: television, movies, Wal-Mart fashion…all that leaves is anorexia and drugs. We can’t wait. Downgraded from #1 due to her impending implosion.
2. Ashley Qualls, Internet Mogul/ High School Drop-Out – Ashley started a website which provided MySpace layouts. A girl that got so successful at 14 she had to drop out of high school – well, frankly that’s the definition of success, isn’t it? (See: Bill Gates) Just kidding, we Poor Girls advocate education more than, well, almost more than eating. But not quite. Stay in school, kids. Just learn how to juggle your homework and your multi-million dollar business. Sure, as a former MySpace insider, I can now say the ‘Sapce is in the tubes, but take the money and run, hun! Hopefully Ashley got her $4 million and got out.
1. Justin Bieber, Teen Hearthrob/Cousin It, 16 – The hair, those eyes, the voice, he’s so dreamy. Wait, wait, Beiber was discovered on YouTube and now YouTube Bieber babies are singing his songs?! That’s sooo post-modern. Other little tweens are eating up Bieber’s tween offerings like, well frankly, kids at a candy store. A platinum album already to his credit, hope male pattern baldness doesn’t run in the fam, Biebs!
So, Poor Girl lessons learned for successful tweendom…?
1.Say yes to Bieber
2. Say yes to movies (unless you’re a little Lilo inclined)
3. Say yes to learning HTML,
4. Say yes to Usher if he asks to sign you to a recording contract.