With more spending power than ever in the hands of the pre-adolescent, tweens are fast becoming omnipresent…like god. Today there are a whole host of tweens who were clearly more successful than I at Tweendom. Sure, at 5, I had the opportunity to star alongside everyone’s favorite mustache, Tom Selleck, in 3 Men and a Little Lady, but I turned that down for some reason. I loved me some Magnum P.I. so my decision on this one still confounds me even to this day (note to self: don’t leave huge decisions up to my future 5 year old child). And sure, in 7th grade, I submitted a television show idea to my local ABC affiliate (they took my meeting), and received all sorts of gold stars at school for being all around ‘swell’; but somehow my tween years – those prime years to really make a go of it, make a name for yourself and cement your place in the annals of history before becoming old and useless – seemed to come up a bit short. At least when compared to others. Did I peak at 13? Probably. It’s all downhill after your bat mitzvah, kids. Shame too, because if I’d hit it big as a tween I probably wouldn’t have had to way the pros and cons of eating a 3 year old can of peas during my college days. Without further ado, here is a list of tweens who, in middle school, are already more successful than you or I. I weep as I write.
5. Amiya Alexander , Entrepeneur 11- Her mobile dance studio in Detroit has already amassed $10,000 which she is investing towards her medical school education. At 11 I’m pretty sure I still had my heart set on being the first woman to play baseball in the Major Leagues, just sayin….
*Not a ‘tween’, but exceptions made for babies
4. Ella the 2 year-old, Singing Sensation 2 – A YouTube smash. You probably only sing in the shower. She’ll be filling in for Simon starting this fall. FOX Tuesdays at 8pm, check it out.
3. Miley Cyrus, Goddess Supreme, 16 - I mean I think it’s really all been covered. With her $40 million fortune, the new century Mary-Kate and Ashley, has pretty much conquered it all: television, movies, Wal-Mart fashion…all that leaves is anorexia and drugs. We can’t wait. Downgraded from #1 due to her impending implosion.
2. Ashley Qualls, Internet Mogul/ High School Drop-Out – Ashley started a website which provided MySpace layouts. A girl that got so successful at 14 she had to drop out of high school – well, frankly that’s the definition of success, isn’t it? (See: Bill Gates) Just kidding, we Poor Girls advocate education more than, well, almost more than eating. But not quite. Stay in school, kids. Just learn how to juggle your homework and your multi-million dollar business. Sure, as a former MySpace insider, I can now say the ‘Sapce is in the tubes, but take the money and run, hun! Hopefully Ashley got her $4 million and got out.
1. Justin Bieber, Teen Hearthrob/Cousin It, 16 – The hair, those eyes, the voice, he’s so dreamy. Wait, wait, Beiber was discovered on YouTube and now YouTube Bieber babies are singing his songs?! That’s sooo post-modern. Other little tweens are eating up Bieber’s tween offerings like, well frankly, kids at a candy store. A platinum album already to his credit, hope male pattern baldness doesn’t run in the fam, Biebs!
So, Poor Girl lessons learned for successful tweendom…?
1.Say yes to Bieber
2. Say yes to movies (unless you’re a little Lilo inclined)
3. Say yes to learning HTML,
4. Say yes to Usher if he asks to sign you to a recording contract.