Monthly Archives: June 2010

~ Poor Girl’s Musing of the Week #4 ~

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The new iPhone 4 just came out and in a society where electronics and early adopting is everything, people will do almost anything just be one of the first with a little apple in their hands. Why not? Your fancy iPhone apps can help you skype, scan your boarding pass, make vuvuzula noises, and there’s even a toilet paper app that will  help you wipe your own ass (I would assume).

In our terribly consumerist world where parents sell their children for drug money and kids shoot their friends for the newest Jordans,  is it such a stretch to think that even the poorest of the poor would trade in their last bit of change for an iPhone rather than groceries? I think not. Sadly. Ever seen someone in line at the grocery store using their EBT card (aka food stamps) and then whip out their iPhone for a quick text message reply? The irony is so thick, Alanis Morisette is composing a new song about it right now. And now, new on an iPhone 4G near you, a virtual EBT barcode that scans right from the screen of your phone to the checker’s wand. Annoying card no longer needed. Don’t let the inconvenience of poverty slow down your busy daily schedule (or your need for a gizmo who’s price tag could feed your children for a month).

No, there’s not really an app for that. But it can’t be far behind. 5G anyone?

…To Alcohol (if you’re legal, of course)

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The smart-est set, well they always seem to have a drink in their hand, don’t they. Rule of thumb – Carry a flask, Poor Girls. Never spend a dime on drinks while you’re out. Stash your moonshine in your garter belt or bra. Frankly, I opt for the former since my chest is less like Christina Hendrick’s and more like a 3rd grader’s. My friend Shawna, who recently got laid off and hasn’t been able to find steady work, is never spotted without her shiny little friend. That damn flask is like Visa, it’s everywhere she wants to be.

Ask the barkeep for a cup of soda. Tonic. Whatever you fancy. Covertly splash in your contraband…and BOOM! Insta-cocktail.

If we do the math – and it’s never been my strong suit – but if we do it, with even modest estimates we find you could save approximately $624 over the course of a year (that could be a lot of trips to your favorite cheap-o vintage shop on Bedford, or you know, a lot of extra hot water to shower with in the mornings). And that’s estimating 2 drinks a week at $6 a pop; but please you all know you drink more than that if even just to temper the sting of your cold, poor despair. That is before you stumbled upon this humble blog, of course. Bottoms up!

~ Poor Girl’s Musing of The Week #3 ~

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California is broke. More broke than you are, it claims. It’s this close to turning $0.10 tricks on the corner of Highland & Santa Monica with the trannies. But instead, they have decided to hike up Cal State tuition by 5%.  That equates to roughly an additional $204 a year for you;  bringing tuition to a grand total of $4,230 for the upcoming school year. What say you California Poor Girls?…Can you still afford your tuition, or are you about headed for your post outside ‘Tranny Del Taco’ as well?

…To Throwing Parties

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This ain’t your mom’s coke-fueled, sex-binge-in-the-hollywood-hills-party. Did your mom have those? Anyway… aside from the fact I can’t afford that type of soirée, I’m mainly not a fan. But there’s nothing better or more simple than throwing a BYO party. It costs you nothing but the 5 minutes it takes to fill out an Facebook invite.  Sure
your guests like coming to a party where they’re already guaranteed to be supplied with alchi and food, but there’s a trick to getting around this. Spice up the party. Pick a theme, go all out, the kitschier the better. Memorial Day? Come as your favorite war. Hawaiian shirts and trays of sushi. Guests can ingest and intern the little bits of sushi deliciousness in their stomachs  (too soon?).  The more interest around the party, the more friends won’t mind bringing a little something to the festivities.

I used to live in an apartment where we threw holiday-themed parties either way early or extremely late. Quatro de Abril anyone? Sure it’s no Cinco de Mayo but our pinata and illegal immigrant search and seizure station sure made it seem like Mexico – or at least Arizona. A few clever costume ideas, a bit of hand-crafted decorations, a BYO invite, and BAM! Presto party.


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~ Poor Girl’s Musing of the Week #2 ~

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A friend of mine recently mulled over the state of the world – this wonderfully upside down world of Los Angeles particularly – after hearing a tease on a local news affiliate: “The election results, coming up, but first…Lindsay Lohan can’t stop partyin’…in a moment”. LA local news is awesome, my friend declared with an off-hand whip of his acid tongue.

Do you ever find yourself thinking, what if  1933 LA radio sounded something like this?…”FDR passes New Deal, promises relief for America’s unemployed 25%, but first…Kate Hepburn flashes ladybits, the finger at papz….back in 30 seconds” Just wonderin’.

…To Successful Tweendom

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With more spending power than ever in the hands of the pre-adolescent,  tweens are fast becoming omnipresent…like god. Today there are a whole host of tweens who were clearly more successful than I at Tweendom. Sure, at 5, I had the opportunity to star alongside everyone’s favorite mustache, Tom Selleck, in 3 Men and  a Little Lady, but I turned that down for some reason. I loved me some Magnum P.I. so my decision on this one still confounds me even to this day (note to self: don’t leave huge decisions up to my future 5 year old child). And sure, in 7th grade, I submitted a television show idea to my local ABC affiliate (they took my meeting), and received all sorts of gold stars at school for being all around ‘swell’; but somehow my tween years – those prime years to really make a go of it, make a name for yourself and cement your place in the annals of history before becoming old and useless – seemed to come up a bit short. At least when compared to others. Did I peak at 13? Probably. It’s all downhill after your bat mitzvah, kids. Shame too, because if I’d hit it big as a tween I probably wouldn’t have had to way the pros and cons of eating a 3 year old can of peas during my college days. Without further ado, here is a list of tweens who, in middle school, are already more successful than you or I. I weep as I write.

5. Amiya Alexander , Entrepeneur 11- Her mobile dance studio in Detroit has already amassed $10,000 which she is investing towards her medical school education. At 11 I’m pretty sure I still had my heart set on being the first woman to play baseball in the Major Leagues, just sayin….

*Not a ‘tween’, but exceptions made for babies

4. Ella the 2 year-old, Singing Sensation 2 – A YouTube smash. You probably only sing in the shower. She’ll be filling in for Simon starting this fall. FOX Tuesdays at 8pm, check it out.

3. Miley Cyrus, Goddess Supreme, 16 - I mean I think it’s really all been covered. With her $40 million fortune, the new century Mary-Kate and Ashley, has pretty much conquered it all: television, movies, Wal-Mart fashion…all that leaves is anorexia and drugs. We can’t wait. Downgraded from #1 due to her impending implosion.

2. Ashley Qualls, Internet Mogul/ High School Drop-Out – Ashley started a website which provided MySpace layouts. A girl that got so successful at 14 she had to drop out of high school – well, frankly that’s the definition of success, isn’t it? (See: Bill Gates) Just kidding, we Poor Girls advocate education more than, well, almost more than eating. But not quite. Stay in school, kids. Just learn how to juggle your homework and your multi-million dollar business. Sure, as a former MySpace insider, I can now say the ‘Sapce is in the tubes, but take the money and run, hun! Hopefully Ashley got her $4 million and got out.

1. Justin Bieber, Teen Hearthrob/Cousin It, 16 – The hair, those eyes, the voice, he’s so dreamy. Wait, wait, Beiber was discovered on YouTube and now YouTube Bieber babies are singing his songs?! That’s sooo post-modern. Other little tweens are eating up Bieber’s tween offerings like, well frankly, kids at a candy store. A platinum album already to his credit, hope male pattern baldness doesn’t run in the fam, Biebs!

So, Poor Girl lessons learned for successful tweendom…?

1.Say yes to Bieber

2. Say yes to movies (unless you’re a little Lilo inclined)

3. Say yes to learning HTML,

and

4. Say yes to Usher if he asks to sign you to a recording contract.

~ Poor Girl’s Musing of the Week #1 ~

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USC has been slapped with a two-year suspension from bowl games and  a loss of 30 scholarships. You know that with no red roses at the end of either 2010 or 2011 seasons’ tunnels  no ego-obsessed, self-respecting LA res would come see such a team.

An empty Colesium – hmm, does this mean the student Spirit Card will be slashed in price? A girl can dream….

…To Financial Aid

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So you’ve submitted your FAFSA and now you wait. No scholarship or loan will ever be enough to cover the astronomical cost of one year at school, let alone four (one step at a time, kids).  You just wasted a good 30 minutes of your Saturday when you could be out tap dancing on a piece of plywood in front of a top hat on 48th street. Right? Wrong. President Obama – OCAMAunist, if you’re nasty – has opened up $36 billion in Pell grant funds for under-privileged students seeking university degrees with the passing of healthcare reform bill. $36 billion?! I only got $25k a year for my ridiculously over-priced institution of higher debutcation (and that didn’t even cover it). I mean, sure $36 billion is a bit excessive but, shit girl, that could have kept me in Isaac Mizrahi for Target for like years and years….

See, and you thought there were no benefits to being poor. College for everybody!